Casting Coup...Wednesdays?

Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

Apparently, I didn't get the sleep I needed Monday night, so as soon as I ate lunch after work yesterday, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I cleaned, went out, and didn't get back until my parents were already locked away in the only room with internet access.

Thus, Casting Coup Tuesday was not to be.

But I promised you I would cast the new James Bond book, so I'm going to cast the new James Bond book.

Written by Sebastien Faulks, Devil May Care takes place during the Cold War, the first Bond book since Kingsley Amis's Colonel Sun to do so. Well, OK, I guess the Cold War was still on in the 80s, but the Bond books there were more politically correct. Which, you know. Blech. Bond doesn't use condoms. Bond doesn't filter his cigarettes. Bond doesn't want to marry every broad who comes his way. Bond is a ruthless womanizer who smokes ten packs a day and is impervious to both STDs and bastard children.

That's the Bond we get in Devil May Care, in which 007's career is put on the line when he tangles with Dr. Julius Gorner, a villainous Slav who deals in pharmaceutical drugs--and heroin! From the tennis court to Turkey, Bond is always one step behind Gorner, until a thrilling climax that leads into a so-so Parisian finale. Along the way, he fights a mute but deadly henchman (of course) and romances a beautiful banker (naturally).

Can Walter choose a believable Bond girl? A credible Bond villain? Will the supporting players kick ass? Check it out...

MONEYPENNY
Who is She: M's personal secretary, she keeps up a flirtatious relationship with 007.

Previously played by:

Lois Maxwell (The Connery Years, The Moore Years, The Lazenby Flick)

Caroline Bliss (The Dalton Years)

Samantha Bond (The Brosnan Years)

Barbara Bouchet (the original Casino Royale)

Pamela Salem (Never Say Never Again)

My Choice: We need a brand-new Moneypenny, one who is sophisticated and attractive, but not as drop-dead gorgeous as the Bond Girls.

Claudie Blakley (Gosford Park, Pride & Prejudice)


BILL TANNER
Who is He: Chief of Staff to M, and James Bond's best friend in the Secret Service.

Previously played by:

James Villiers (For Your Eyes Only)

Michael Kitchen (GoldenEye, The World is Not Enough)

My Choice: Tanner is Bond's best friend. He needs to be intelligent and professional, yet warm and approachable. And around Bond's age.

Ben Miles (TV's Coupling, V for Vendetta)


FELIX LEITER
Who is He: Bond's ally, a retired CIA agent who now works for Pinkerton's Detective Agency.

Previously played by: Okay, you ready for this?

Jack Lord (Dr. No)

Cec Linder (Goldfinger)

Rik Van Nutter (Thunderball)

Norman Burton (Diamonds Are Forever)

David Hedison (Live and Let Die, Licence to Kill)

Bernie Casey (Never Say Never Again)

John Terry (The Living Daylights)

Michael Pate (TV's Casino Royale)

My Choice: I'm sticking to the latest Felix Leiter, seen in Casino Royale, who will reappear in Quantum of Solace.

Jeffrey Wright (Angels in America, Lady in the Water)


RENE MATHIS
Who is He: He's with the Deuxieme Bureau, the French Secret Service. An old friend of Bond's who is utterly wasted in this novel.

Previously played by:

Duncan Macrae (the original Casino Royale)

My Choice: Again, I'm sticking with the guy EON Productions already has in charge, seen in Casino Royale, only to reappear later this year in Quantum of Solace.

Academy Award Nominee Giancarlo Giannini (Seven Beauties, My House in Umbria)


M
Who is He: The Head of the British Secret Service, MI-6. Strict and orderly, but with a soft spot for Bond.

Previously played by:

Bernard Lee (The Connery Years, The Moore Years up to Moonraker, The Lazenby Flick)

Robert Brown (The Remaining Moore Years, The Dalton Years)

Academy Award-winning actress Judi Dench (The Brosnan Years, current)

Academy Award-winning director John Huston (the original Casino Royale)

Edward Fox (Never Say Never Again)

My Choice: Well, this M happens to be a man, so Judi Dench won't do at all. Time to step it up a notch.

Michael Gambon (Gosford Park, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow)


HADIM
Who is He: Works with the branch in Iraq. Supposedly a chauffeur, but he also carries messages and acts as bodyguard. A fast but able driver, Hadim is loyal to his friends and comrades.

My Choice:

Sayed Badreya (Iron Man,You Don't Mess with the Zohan)


J.D. SILVER
Who is He: A shady CIA agent stationed in Iraq, he has an agenda of his own.

My Choice:

Richard Schiff (TV's The West Wing, The Lost World: Jurassic Park)


MASSOUD
Who is He: A pilot on Gorner's payroll, his assignment is to crash a plane in Russia with Bond at the helm, making it look as though Britian was attacking the Soviet Union. This would spark WWIII, you see.

My Choice:

Faran Tahir (Iron Man, Charlie Wilson's War)


CHAGRIN
Who is He: Gorner's henchman. A psychotic who had part of his brain removed, Chagrin is self-conscious and insane. As a Communist soldier in Vietnam, he murdered priests and deafened children with chopsticks. Impervious to pain, mute as Oddjob, Chagrin has a habit of ripping people's tongues out with pliers. He's a sicko.

My Choice:

Francois Chau (Rescue Dawn, TV's Lost)


DR. JULIUS GORNER
Who is He: A suspiciously polite businessman who has a grudge against England. Having done his research, he punishes and tortures Bond according to methods the "honourable" British used on slaves, the Irish, etc. He is obsessed with destroying their country, planning to start WWIII and flooding London with heroin. He wears a glove on his hand so as not to show his monkey's hand: the thumb is un-opposable and makes a straight line with the fingers; it is also covered in hair.

My Choice:

Theatre director/actor Simon McBurney (Friends with Money, The Golden Compass)


SCARLETT PAPAVA/POPPY PAPAVA
Who is She: Scarlett is the Bond Girl, an investment banker who follows Bond on his mission so that he may rescue her twin sister, Poppy. She's quick-witted, intelligent, and a good shot. She's also sexy as hell, and Bond has to earn the love-making.

My Choice: Her mother was Diana Rigg, my favorite Bond Girl

Rachael Stirling (Tipping the Velvet, Marple: The Murder at the Vicarage)


JAMES BOND
Who is He: Secret Agent 007 of MI-6, with a licence to kill. Drinks, but not to excess. Weaknesses: Women.

Previously played by:

Barry Nelson (TV's Casino Royale)

Academy Award Winner Sean Connery (Dr. No, From Russia with Love, Goldfinger, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, Diamonds Are Forever, Never Say Never Again)

Academy Award Winner David Niven (the original Casino Royale)

Roger Moore (Live and Let Die, The Man with the Golden Gun, The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker, For Your Eyes Only, Octopussy, A View to a Kill)

Timothy Dalton (The Living Daylights, Licence to Kill)

Pierce Brosnan (GoldenEye, Tomorrow Never Dies, The World is Not Enough, Die Another Day)

My Choice: Oh, come on. I'll just say it: he is James Bond.

DANIEL CRAIG

Well? Do we have a Bond movie or what?