Stave 1: In Which the Silver Screener Welcomes in the Holiday Season

DAY ONE OF HOLLMANN HOLIDAY EXTRAVAGANZA

It's finally arrived! Another month of reindeer, carols, Santa, turkey, Hallmark movies and visions of sugarplums dancing in your head. A waltz, perhaps? A cha-cha? That's for your own psyche to determine. Meanwhile, we've got bigger fish to fry.

The first HHE post is always an awkward one. Do I provide a holiday fact? Make an observation about society? Try to connect Woody Allen's 74th birthday to some aspect of the holiday season? Usually, I hope I can just tread water or come up with a plan for the whole month.

What I'm going to try to do is this: (a) delve into as much Wikipedia as I can to provide new and interesting holiday trivia, (b) review a number of holiday films, and (c) teach new holiday songs. The usual usual.

So, although today there may be nothing, tonight I am going to be watching a Christmas movie. Expect a review tomorrow as I discuss what the movie means to me, to Christmas, and my general opinion of it.

I apologize for the shrug that is this first post. Rest assured, my friends and fans, that the next twenty-five days are going to be awesome. And to prove it, I'm going to entice you with a song from The Waitresses. You may remember their hit song "I Know What Boys Like," most recently used in trailers for the fantastic Jennifer's Body. Well, it turns out they recorded a hit holiday tune, "Christmas Wrapping", released in 1981. The song is popular enough to have been covered by The Donnas (for Shrek the Halls), Miranda Cosgrove (for Drake and Josh) and the Spice Girls (for shits and gigs). Honestly: it's a pretty B.A. song:



"Bah, humbug!" No, that's too strong
'Cause it is my favorite holiday
But all this year's been a busy blur
Don't think I have the energy

To add to my already mad rush
Just 'cause it's 'tis the season.
The perfect gift for me would be
Completions and connections left from

Last year, ski shop,
Encounter, most interesting.
Had his number but never the time
Most of '81 passed along those lines.

So deck those halls, trim those trees
Raise up cups of Christmas cheer,
I just need to catch my breath,
Christmas by myself this year.

Calendar picture, frozen landscape,
Chilled this room for twenty-four days,
Evergreens, sparkling snow
Get this winter over with!

Flashback to springtime, saw him again,
Would've been good to go for lunch,
Couldn't agree when we were both free,
We tried, we said we'd keep in touch.

Didn't, of course, 'til summertime,
Out to the beach to his boat could I join him?
No, this time it was me,
Sunburn in the third degree.

Now the calendar's just one page
And, of course, I am excited
Tonight's the night, but I've set my mind
Not to do too much about it.

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
But I think I'll miss this one this year.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
But I think I'll miss this one this year.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
But I think I'll miss this one this year.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
But I think I'll miss this one this year.
Hardly dashing through the snow
Cause I bundled up too tight
Last minute have-to-do's
A few cards a few calls
'Cause it's r-s-v-p
No thanks, no party lights
It's Christmas Eve, gonna relax
Turned down all of my invites.

Last fall I had a night to myself,
Same guy called, halloween party,
Waited all night for him to show,
This time his car wouldn't go,

Forget it, it's cold, it's getting late,
Trudge on home to celebrate
In a quiet way, unwind
Doing Christmas right this time.

A&P has provided me
With the world's smallest turkey
Already in the oven, nice and hot
Oh damn! Guess what I forgot?

So on with the boots, back out in the snow
To the only all-night grocery,
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
In the line is that guy I've been chasing all year!

"I'm spending this one alone," he said.
"Need a break; this year's been crazy."
I said, "Me too, but why are you?
You mean you forgot cranberries too?"

Then suddenly we laughed and laughed
Caught on to what was happening
That Christmas magic's brought this tale
To a very happy ending! "

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Couldn't miss this one this year!
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Couldn't miss this one this year!