Before we start on the good, I need to get some bile out of my mouth. Last year, I included some movies that, while undeniably terrible, I absolutely loved; for instance, the Friday the 13th remake. This year, I decided to go with the movies that I know I will never, ever see again. Not without some convincing, at least. For this reason, Legion is left off the list.
Can I say, though, that this was one of the most disappointing cinema years for me? These films were outright terrible, and the "awards" films are great, but for the most part, it was twelve months of mediocrity. You won't find Robin Hood, The Tourist or The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo here, but you won't find them in my Top 25 either.
10. The Crazies
If you can't be a good movie, at least be amusingly wretched. But to be as mediocre and noncommittal as The Crazies is disappointing. I turned 21 while in that theater, but it felt like I turned 31.
9. You Again
Creepy unintentional incest, inconsistent characters, and not a laugh to be found. At least Sigourney came to work.
8. Clash of the Titans
(Number Eighteen on 25 Most Anticipated)
Ugh. The mystery that is Gemma Arterton continues. She has all the charisma of Polly Pocket.
7. Chloe
(Number Twenty-One on 25 Most Anticipated)
How can a movie featuring a sex scene between Amanda Seyfried and Julianne Moore be boring? Chloe, sadly enough, answers that question, again and again, throughout its runtime.
6. Jonah Hex
Wait...I saw this?
5. The Wolfman
Gaaaaaah I wanted to love you why did you betray me? Your VFX looked like VFX! Your cinematography was too dark to see anything! Anthony Hopkins stopped acting years ago! Gaaaah!
4. Love Ranch
I think I balanced my checkbook or something during this movie.
3. A Nightmare on Elm Street
I love horror movies. I love terrible horror movies. I've seen all the Saw movies in theaters. I love the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes. I hate this movie.
2. Alice in Wonderland
So much money wasted on an unimaginative and ugly wasteland. Mr. Burton, you disappoint me.
1. Splice
There are few movies out there that fill me with such frustrated, seething anger. Every time I remember it, I go blind for a moment, the world goes red, and all I see is that fucking Dren. "Inside...you..." Drop. Dead.
6 comments:
I feel so weird not getting the hate for Alice in Wonderland, which I still was disappointed but managed to like nonetheless...but I still love the short lines that follow each movie - the one for Splice especially is a winner.
Walter, I am proud to say that I managed to avoid seeing everything on your list... And your brief descriptions are hilarious and appropriately venomous!
(I need to find a way to wean you off bad horror films...
Too bad you could not have turned 21 at a better film... But more to the point...21??? You will have a great future witing about film....
I agree with all of this. Especially how disappointing the year was in general...and Splice, yuck!
WHOA. You balanced your checkbook?!?
@Andrew - I wholeheartedly agree about Alice! It was disappointing but I was entertained. Maybe I was just focusing on the costumes.
Andrew & Amanda: You are far more patient than I.
Tom: In the world of horror, we fans must sift through the bad to get the good. But when it's good (like Black Swan), oh my God is it Heaven.
Caleb: Even without the queasy sex scenes, Splice disgusts me in its incompetence.
Amanda: Haha! Nope! Just a joke!
Lol, that Gemma chick annoys me so much.
Thespians from abroad usually bring talent of excellent caliber with them.
This one, nothing.
She should "tots' text Meghan Fox.
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